Patterns exist in all relationships that strengthen the relationship or silently kill it with time. The concept of 4 Horsemen of Relationships was coined by the famous psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who found out that there are toxic behaviors that can correctly determine the fate of the relationship: it would flourish or falter. The knowledge of these four devastating habits is the initial step to avoiding emotional harm and restoring love. We shall discuss what the 4 Horsemen of Relationships are, how they manifest themselves, and what you can do to prevent them before they destroy your relationship in this article.
1, Criticism When Complaints Turn to Attacks.
Criticism is the first of the 4 Horsemen of Relationships. It tends to start with a state of dissatisfaction but soon degenerates into personal attack. An example of this would be telling someone that he never listens to you or that you are so selfish is an attack on the personality and not the actions of the person. Criticism causes your partner to feel that he or she is being attacked and thus creates even more distance and resentment. Rather than telling someone that you never help them, you can express yourself by saying things such as I am tired when I do all the work; will you help me?
Healthy Alternative: Speak about yourself using I statements when discussing the way you feel, not blame your partner.
2, Contempt The Most Destructive Feeling.
Contempt is regarded as the most dangerous of the 4 Horsemen of Relationships. It is not just anger, but it is a sense of superiority and disrespect. Once a partner mocks, ridicules or employs sarcasm to get hurt by the other, the relationship turns out to be emotionally toxic.
Contempt can sound like:
- “You’re pathetic.”
- I can not believe that I married somebody like you.
- Eye-rolling or mocking tone.
Trust and love are torn off more quickly than any other way. Research has stated that contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce.
Healthy Alternative: Establish the culture of respect. Give your partner compliments on a day-to-day basis and do not use vulgar words.
3, Defensiveness: The Bad Habit of Denying Responsibility.
Defensiveness is the third among the 4 horsemen of relationships. It occurs in a situation where a single individual feels blamed and then comes up to either deny, make excuses or counter attack. For instance:
Partner A: “You have forgotten that we had dinner.
Partner B: “Well, I did not remember!
The feeling of defensiveness may appear as self defense but in reality it only aggravates the situation by disapproving your partner’s feelings. It prevents healthy communication and raises frustration on both parties.
Healthy Alternative: Responsibility in small measure. To say You are correct, I forgot, I will remember next time is enough to relieve the tension and demonstrate maturity.
4, Stonewalling: The Silent Treatment.
The final out of the 4 Horsemen of Relationships is stonewalling, or when one partner closes feelings and emotionally ceases to listen and retreats into the conversation. Having experienced feelings of being overwhelmed or inability to cope with conflict, people tend to stonewall. But silence is something that may seem like punishment to the other individual. The act of a person walking off during an argument or not responding to someone sends a message that the feelings of his or her partner are not important. This generates intense emotional aloofness with time.
Healthy Alternative: Get a break and rest. Make your partner understand that you need some time to cool off and resume the discussion in a few minutes with an open mind.
How to overcome the 4 Horsemen of Relationships.
Being aware of the 4 Horsemen of Relationships is not enough. It is only when the two partners willingly substitute these negative patterns with healthy ones that the actual work is started. Here’s how:
Practice Empathy: An attempt should be made to see the feelings of your partner instead of responding to them.
Speak Softly: Be not too assertive. Start the discussion in a light and soft tone.
Appreciate Frequently: Even simple words of gratitude may mend an emotional bond.
Get Professional Advice: In case the trend persists, a relationship counselor or therapist may be able to assist in steering the two of you to a more productive communication state.
It is important to remember that good relationships do not lack conflict but should be able to deal with it in a considerate and respectful manner.
The reason Why We Should Know the 4 Horsemen.
Problems in relationships can be avoided by identifying the 4 Horsemen of Relationships in their infancy. All the relationships have disputes, and the only difference is in knowing how to communicate effectively. Couples are able to take away criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling to create a lasting background of trust and love. Healthy communication turns the relationships to be nurturant. Preferably, the sooner such behaviors are detected, the faster emotional wounds can be recovered and enduring peace established.
Final Thoughts
The 4 Horsemen of Relationships are great predictors of trouble yet this does not imply that the relationship is doomed. Responsibility and awareness can change the most harmful trends. Love can become stronger than ever when patience, kindness, and accountability are the two elements the partners prefer. Therefore, begin with little things – pay attention to your reactions, alter your voice, and tell people that you appreciate them every day. These small measures can save your relationship with the four horsemen and the result can be a happier and more fulfilling relationship.
