I used to think they were the same thing.
Love and attraction.
I mean, if you’re attracted to someone and they make your heart race and you can’t stop thinking about them, that’s love, right?
Oh well…
Attraction and love are not the same thing.
Sure, they can exist together, and when they do, it’s magical.
But they can also exist separately, and that’s where things get messy.
You can be deeply attracted to someone you don’t actually love.
And you can love someone without feeling that initial spark of attraction.
Understanding the difference can save you from wasting years of your life chasing the wrong thing with the wrong person.
It can help you recognize real love when it shows up.
And it can protect you from mistaking temporary feelings for permanent compatibility.
1. Attraction is About Them. Love is About Us.
Attraction is what you feel when you look at someone.
It’s about their smile, their laugh, their body, their energy.
It’s about how they make you feel when you’re around them.
It’s about the fantasy you create in your mind about who they are and what your life together could be like.
Attraction is basically selfish; it’s about what you want, what you desire, what you think you need.
Love, on the other hand, is about the two of you.
It’s about the conversations you have, the problems you solve together, the way you handle stress and conflict, and just ordinary days.
Love is about knowing someone’s flaws and choosing them anyway.
It’s about seeing them at their worst: sick, grumpy, scared, vulnerable, and still wanting to be there.
That’s why I don’t think there’s anything like ”love at first sight.”
There can be attraction at first sight, but not love at first sight.
You need to know someone before you can claim to love them.
2. Attraction is Instant. Love is Built.
You can feel attracted to someone the moment you meet them.
That spark and chemistry can happen in seconds.
You see them across a room and something clicks.
You have one conversation and you’re hooked.
But love takes time.
Love requires getting to know someone beyond their surface qualities.
Love needs experiences, countless conversations, and the slow revelation of who someone really is when the excitement of newness wears off.
Attraction is like a firework, fun, bright, intense, and over quickly.
Love is like a fireplace; it takes time to build, but once it’s established, it provides steady warmth for years.
I’ve seen so many people mistake the intensity of early attraction for the depth of lasting love.
They meet someone, feel that immediate spark, and assume they’ve found “the one.”
But attraction without foundation is just infatuation.
Real love develops over time as you discover that this person isn’t just attractive to you; they’re also compatible with you.
They’re not just exciting – they’re also reliable.
They don’t just make you feel good – they also make you better.
3. Attraction Idealizes. Love Accepts.
When you’re attracted to someone, you see the best version of them.
You focus on their strengths and either ignore their weaknesses or find them endearing.
You create a fantasy version of who they are based on limited information and maximum hope.
Attraction sees potential and assumes the best.
It fills in the gaps with wishful thinking.
It overlooks red flags because they interfere with the beautiful story you’re telling yourself.
Love, however, sees reality and chooses to stay anyway.
Love recognizes flaws, incompatibilities, and annoying habits, and decides that the whole person is worth it.
When I first saw my now-husband, I thought he was handsome.
He was my spec, of course, tall, dark, and handsome, just the way I love them. lol
But he talked too loudly for my liking.
He still does, only that I tell him to keep his voice down.
He has some other habits I find annoying, but I accept his whole person.
I’m sure there are things he doesn’t like about me too.
We’ve known each other for nine years and have been married for eight.
I guess it’s love then.
Hahaha
Of course, I still find him very attractive.
So, the two can go together.
4. Attraction is Conditional. Love is Committed.
Attraction depends on maintaining certain conditions.
You’re attracted to someone because they’re funny, successful, good-looking, exciting, mysterious, whatever.
But what happens when those conditions change?
What happens when they gain weight, lose their job, go through a depression, or just become familiar instead of mysterious?
If your feelings are based purely on attraction, they’ll fade when the conditions that created them fade.
Love is a choice you make regardless of changing circumstances.
Love says, “I’m committed to this person and this relationship, even when things get hard.”
Love doesn’t disappear when someone has a bad day, a bad year, or even a bad season of life.
Love is what makes you want to work through problems instead of looking for someone new.
There are couples who met when they were both in their twenties, fit, and carefree.
Thirty years later, they’ve changed physically, they’ve dealt with job losses, health scares, family crises, and all the ordinary wear and tear of life.
If their relationship had been based only on attraction, it would have ended long ago.
But because it was built on love, they’ve grown stronger together instead of growing apart.
5. Attraction Seeks Gratification. Love Seeks Growth.
When you’re attracted to someone, you want them to make you happy.
You want them to fulfill your needs, meet your expectations, and enhance your life.
Attraction is focused on what you can get from the relationship.
Love is focused on what you can give to the relationship.
Love wants to make the other person happy and looks for ways to support and serve your partner.
Love finds joy in their joy, even when it doesn’t directly benefit you.
Attraction asks: “What can you do for me?”
Love asks: “What can I do for you?”
And the beautiful thing is, when both people approach the relationship with love instead of just attraction, both people end up getting what they need.
But when one or both people are operating from attraction alone, the relationship becomes transactional and eventually unsatisfying.
6. Attraction Fears Loss. Love Trusts Commitment.
When your feelings are based primarily on attraction, there’s always an underlying anxiety about losing the person.
Because you know that if someone else comes along who’s more attractive, funnier, more successful, or more exciting, your partner might leave.
Attraction-based relationships are built on comparison and competition.
You’re always wondering if someone else might steal their attention.
You’re always trying to maintain whatever qualities attracted them in the first place.
You’re always slightly insecure because you know the foundation of your relationship could shift.
Love creates security because it’s based on choice, not just feeling.
When someone loves you, they’ve decided to be with you regardless of other options.
They’ve chosen you not just because of how you make them feel, but because of who you are and what you build together.
Love doesn’t disappear when attractive alternatives show up because love isn’t based on being the most attractive option.
It’s based on being the right person for each other.
I’m not saying attraction is bad or unimportant.
Attraction is what draws you to someone initially, and physical and emotional chemistry are important parts of a healthy relationship.
But attraction alone isn’t enough to build a lasting partnership.
And love without any attraction will feel more like friendship than romance.
The goal is to find both someone you’re genuinely attracted to and who you can also genuinely love.
Someone who makes your heart race and also makes your life better.
The beautiful truth is that real love often starts with attraction and grows into something much deeper.
The butterflies might be what get your attention, but the daily choice to care for and commit to another person is what builds a lasting relationship.
So, don’t dismiss attraction, it matters.
But don’t mistake it for love, either.
The best relationships have both: the spark that draws you together and the love that keeps you together.
When you find someone who gives you butterflies AND makes you want to be a better person, who excites you AND feels like home, who you desire AND deeply respect, that’s when you know you’ve found something worth holding onto.
That’s the difference between falling for someone and choosing to love them.
And choosing love, every single day, is what turns attraction into a lifetime partnership.
